January and its the first day back at the gym. It’s been renovated! This means new layout, new changing rooms, new machines and new PEOPLE! People which I suspect the gym procure from a local model agency.
Whilst I was in the stretching area I watched as unsuspecting ‘new’ clients were given the sales tour around this monkey zoo! I could see their eyes and little Christmas pot bellies staring in awe at the prince and princesses that are dutifully rolled out in January to boost membership sales. Mainly to boost people’s motivation (you could look like this) and commitment to a 12 month (no exit, ever) contract. I just thought “this is horrible”. I bloody climbed Mount Kilimanjaro last year. The world’s highest, freestanding (volcano) mountain! Yet I’m feeling like I can’t compete against these six packed, neon bra’d, beauties!
Climbing 5895 metres into high altitude, stands for nothing when you’re hustling for a place on the ONE and only rowing machine. It’s your vital stats that get you places in this town.
I don’t know about anyone else but whenever I go to my doctor, healthy diet and fit lifestyle is always prescribed. The last time it was prescribed was when I was suffering from anxiety….
Now I’m not sure what others think of this advice. But I am a confident, regular sized, professional 30 year old and when I walk into the gym, it feels like the first day at school. EVERY TIME.
Walking in to the playground, seeing everyone has already made friends. Someone has a better school bag than you. Your heart sinking when you see some (pre drugs) Miley Cyrus, 10 year old who can double skip, like Beyonce can dance! The whole experience is mortifying. I would love to know what non-judgemental, helpful, body embracing gyms the doctor goes to. Mine is not one of them. If anything it raises my anxieties! Positioned in the City of London I’m up against egomaniac bankers (pumping hard iron), international lawyers (sweating out their alcohol binged weekend) and even worse, all of their beautiful PA’s (not sweating, usually reading their kindle on the bikes)!
I thought it might be helpful to share my top ten gym anxieties to see if anyone else felt the same?! Enjoy!
1. Am I doing this right? On everything.
2. Can anyone see my bum/cellulite in this lycra? Not thinking of anything else.
3. Oh god I’m running on the treadmill.
Everyone is looking at my ass! I’m going to die.
4. She looks amazing! I don’t.
5. Am I doing this right? On everything.
6. Am I going to run out of breath? What happens if there is not enough air in here for all of us? Will I die?
7. I’m too hot. Am I going to die? Is the air conditioning on?
8. I’m going on the bike next. Oh no, someone else is on it. I don’t have any other imagination so my contingency is ….to go home.
9. My belly has come out of my lycras. Shit. Tuck it back in.
10. ….and stretch. Touch my toes. Oh no, I can’t reach. Swing it out. No one saw.